DOUBTS AND IMPERFECTION

 

I’m lying in my bed, wondering where to start. 

There’s so much in my head, it’s sounds like static.

Usually, the beginning is the best place to start,

But without finding a root, it’s all useless.

I think back on my life and wonder;

I wonder where I got it wrong,

Where I stopped being your kid,

And where my pleadings became naught.

Mom taught me you replied in three ways–

Yes, no or wait a while–

But every time, I can’t help but think you ignore me,

And I can’t help but think that I deserve it.

I’d turn my back too on someone like me;

Someone who despitefully uses me,

Someone who continues to break promises,

Someone who wouldn’t work with my advice.

I mean, I’ve hurt your feelings a lot,

Been the kid you should be disappointed in,

The kid you should disown without looking back,

The kid you should leave in reckless abandon.

It scares me to think that my thoughts aren’t just thoughts,

That you’ve truly left me to lead the life I please.

I want to think otherwise, but there’s no proof,

There’s no proof that you even know I exist.

With every passing day, the noise gets louder.

I beg every time, that you take it away,

But instead, you take people that make it better,

And throw me in the face of tough decisions.

Now I’m at the crossroads of my life,

And it’s seeming like I’m all alone.

I want to call you, but I worry you won’t answer,

I want to beg but I worry you won’t forgive me.

And then it hits me, that you’re God,

And that you’re perfect in all sense of the word,

And no matter how much mistakes I make,

You’d still shine your light to find me and pull me up.

—Onwumah Ozed

©2021